One of my first tasks to tackle is figure out how I feel about being sick. See my first post about my gallbladderectomy (As I fondly like to call it!). Sickness and I don’t do well together apparently. So, I need to tackle my past experiences of being sick. What are my past experiences with being sick? Was I cared for when I was sick as a child? Did I have to care for myself, or was I taken care of?
I can tell you, we didn’t have medical insurance for quite a while when I was growing up. I don’t remember having a pediatrician. I am sure when I was a baby I did, but in elementary & middle school I don’t remember going to a doctor. My first memory of being sick was having chicken pox. I slept in my mom’s bed for a whole week. I got in trouble for scratching my chicken pox. I even have a scar from one I scratched too much.
My first memory of going to a doctor was in high school for a cold that went badly and made my ear drum burst, yes, burst, blood and puss came out of my ear. Remembering that took me back to the other memory I have of being sick. I had a bad cold, my ears hurt, so my mom laid me down on the living room floor with my head on a heating pad. My eardrum burst then too, but I never went to a doctor. I always thought that is how you get over ear aches, you have to wait for it to pop, like a zit. Oh my, insert the “c” word here! So, looking at that small little window into my childhood I find that when I was sick I was terrified. I was in pain, and I am pretty sure I felt alone. I don’t remember my Mom being with me, holding me, getting me things. I remember being alone as my Mom told me what to do, or slept.
I know that our past shapes the way we are today, but I am learning just how much the little things, the things I have to dig out from my memory bank, affect my everyday life. How I handle being sick is just one action I am working on. I can’t wait to get to intimate relationships! Oh goody, she said while rolling her eyes!
Today, my girls are both sick. They both have fevers, and Amie’s ear hurts. Today, we have a doctor’s appointment at their pediatrician. I am making changes. I am taking care of them, and letting them be kids. I am not going to feel guilty that I get to do these things for my girls and my Mom couldn’t.